I know it’s been a while since we’ve actually talked ( if we’ve even ever actually talked), but I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. My darling Inner Child, how’ve you been? I’m sure you have so many questions about this new world we exist in now. Different isn’t it? From that simpler world that we used to know?
I wanted to apologize. Over time, I know you felt it, my trying to distance myself from you. I suppose as my age grew, I thought I was supposed to move on and grow too. And I’ve done it, we’ve continued to grow. But I feel there were times I’ve felt the temptation to purposely deny you, my Inner Child, in an attempt to let the outward appearance of adulthood really sink in. But I commend you, no matter what is going on in life, there are these moments, where I’m reminded of you. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve felt you knock-knock-knocking every now and again? I didn’t know what they were at first, but I’m thinking they might be you?
Knock, knock* Those moments when I feel the need for some self-care after life has me drained emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Is that you tugging at the bottom of the sweater that I’ve worn for what’s seemingly been a week, trying to tell me we’ve come this far with the outside world, time to look in on ourselves for a minute? I knew that tug was familiar, I’ve done it too.
Knock, knock* The times I just want to go out and have a carefree and fun time, where we lose track of the hours, and let the spontaneity, serendipity, and soon-to-be memories find us. OK. I know there are times you might think I’m boring or think I’ve trapped us either in the house or in a hospital for way too long, but you’ve got to trust me ok? There is a balance in this new world of ours that has to be struck, and you know I’m trying my best. Even if “my best” every day might be different.
Knock, knock* Instances of insecurity. You’re not so sure about the world we now live in and the people in it. That’s okay. Neither am I. Sometimes our nervousness stems from those less than pleasant experiences we had as kids. Other times, it’s just the unknown that scares us. But it’s going to be okay. I live in this world, so take my hand and we’ll get through this together.
Knock, knock* Whenever I ask myself what makes me happy. I feel like you’re always the one with the answer to that, you clever girl, you. You are my highest form of creativity, living care-free, and your dreams are the boundless, uninhibited versions of my own. It’s sweet, our wants are simple, but I so admire how quickly you admit what they are.
Knock, knock* The moments where life makes me the lost kid in the woods. No, you don’t know the way and can’t lead me out, but I can feel you saying “You gotten us this far! You’ll get us through.”
As we exist in this world, we gain the parts of us that help us survive in it. I don’t know if you’ve met them yet hun, but they might include defense-mechanisms, organizational skills, and coping strategies. Don’t you worry, they’re not as scary as they seem. Even they are trying to develop as it is. As I’ve gotten older, I have had to learn that it isn’t you or them, it’s striking a balance among you all so that we can all be in harmony with one another. But I thank you for always being there, waiting, not giving up on me, and knocking.
So, you see, Inner Child, I wanted to share this with you. There was a time that I was trying to shed you from my personality and world-view. I thought that growing up meant moving on. For that, I wanted to apologize, because I was wrong. It is impossible to be myself without you. I see now, that you are the foundation of the best parts of me, and of the parts I love most about myself. Perhaps our inner-children are just that: the truest, basest, freest, versions of us. And perhaps too many of us have left you behind. But don’t fret kid, you’re coming with me.